I Can Never
by gossamer - glass
Summary: Rules for what the countries are not allowed to do. Rated T for swearing, sexual innuendo, and violence. First three chapters are the Bad Touch Trio.
1. France

I don't own Axis Powers Hetalia, but if I did it would be AWESOME!

And speaking of awesome, Prussia is up next! Ahahaha ... fun. :D

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><p>1. France is not allowed to participate in the Olympics.<p>

2. France cannot grope England's ass during World Meetings, it upsets America.

3. He cannot grope Spain's ass either, it pisses off Romano.

4. Or his chest.

5. In fact, France should stay away from Spain and England if he values his vital regions.

6. France is not allowed to get drunk the day before a World Meeting.

7. He is NOT EVER allowed to sell ANYTHING to Hungary.

8. Especially if it is a video.

9. Even if it "was consensual", he still doesn't know the meaning of that word anyway.

10. France is not allowed to give the Talk to Sealand. Even though England really cannot stand Sealand at times, he does not want his 'brother' to go through that sort of mental - and physical - scarring.

11. France is not allowed to have a camera.

12. France is not allowed to get rid of said camera by "misplacing" it in England's house while it is still recording.

13. And if he does, he cannot "find" it later.

14. If there is a costume party, France is not allowed to wear "invisible clothing".

15. Or a rose.

16. He is not allowed to imply that Switzerland is compensating for something with his gun.

17. He is not allowed to imply that Switzerland is taking care of Liechtenstein "because he can't get any with a real girl".

18. For that matter, France may not give the Talk to Liechtenstein.

19. ... Really, even he shouldn't be stupid enough to do that.

20. Because if he does, vital regions will get mutilated.

21. Germany will happily kill him if he so much as looks at Italy when he is drunk, as a result, he should not do it.

22. If he tries to TOUCH Romano's curl, Spain will lop his head off with that axe of his, under the grounds that he is the only person allowed to have that effect on Romano.

23. France is not allowed to make any statements alluding to the belief that the Revolutionary War was Unresolved Sexual Tension.

24. ... Even though it was.

25. If France is in a relationship, the other countries do not care. At all. Therefore, he should keep the screaming sex in broom closets to a minimum, as it upsets the younger nations.

26. France can – and will – not find any loopholes in these above twenty-five rules, lest Hungary go after him with her frying pan.


	2. Prussia

Aaand now we have Prussia.

I still don't own Hetalia.

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><p>1. The word "awesome" is not to be used more than five times in one sentence.<p>

2. Neither is the phrase "claiming your vital regions".

3. And the phrase "five meters".

4. In fact, he is not allowed to say Number 3. Ever.

5. Prussia is hereby forbidden to talk to Feliciano, because Germany does NOT need to hear about the "wonderful ideas" Prussia gave him.

6. Prussia cannot try to grope Hungary, doing so will result in a near-fatal concussion.

7. It is considered wrong and immoral to make pornography with Austria, especially when said nation is too drunk to see straight with his glasses on.

8. Selling said porn to Hungary is considered violation of Austria's privacy, and is not appreciated.

. In other words, DON'T DO IT.

10. If explaining an idea requires using the word "awesome" more than ten times, Prussia is forbidden to talk about it.

11. ESPECIALLY if it involves (1) alcohol, (2) the Bad Touch Trio, (3) his brother or (4) a camera.

12. If it involves all four, then he is forbidden to THINK about it.

13. If Japan gives him a camera, he is to not touch, look at, or think about it. He is to leave it alone, and give it to somebody else at the first opportunity.

14. That "somebody else" CANNOT be Hungary.

15. Or France.

16. Threatening Germany's stash of porn, while effective, is likely to get him killed, especially if he does it in public.

17. As is "accidentally" switching it with another nation's slideshow plans for world peace.

18. He is not allowed to dress Germany's dogs up in pink lingerie …

19. … and send them running off to fetch him …

20. … when they are in heat and he has sprayed Germany with something that makes him smell like a dog.

21. Because NOBODY needs that kind of image.

22. Not even Hungary, so videotaping it and giving the video to her is not allowed.

23. Trying to "take a siesta" with Feliciano is forbidden.

24. Because Germany is the one person who is allowed to do that.

25. And even if Italy says it is fine, he STILL can't do it.

26. Prussia cannot go within ten feet of a broom closet, bathroom, or any small enclosed area when he is near another person.

27. Because he doesn't know the meaning of "there is a time and a place for everything".

28. "Because I'm so awesome" is NOT a good reason or explanation for anything.

29. Ergo, he will not use it when explaining why he wants to get England drunk and lock him in a room with America.

30. … He isn't allowed to do that, either.

31. Saying how "Russia is just Prussia without a 'P'," is not appreciated, especially when he adds a "Nis" at the end.

32. Russia WILL rape him for that.

33. If Prussia breaks any of the thirty two rules above, he will be shot repeatedly by his brother.


	3. Spain

Espan(~)a!

Number 32 is totally a World Cup reference gone wrong.

As per a request, America will be done shortly!~ Ahahahahahaha ... *trails off into evil laugh that sounds a lot like "Kolkolkolkol"*

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><p>1. Spain is not allowed to touch Romano's curl in public.<p>

2. Asking "Do you really want me to stop?" and playing with the curl some more when Romano tells him to cut it out is also forbidden.

3. "But he likes it!" is NOT a good reason for doing so, seeing as most of the nations do not appreciate having to watch this.

4. . . . Playing innocent and saying "I was just curious!" while trying to give puppy-dog eyes isn't allowed, either . . .

5. . . . because he isn't innocent. Or curious.

6. It irritates England when Spain gives America romantic advice, so he should stop doing it, lest England have a flashback to when he was a pirate.

7. Especially when the "romantic advice" involves ripping off England's shirt whenever he sees him.

8. Or shoving him into a broom closet/bathroom/small enclosed area.

9. Or getting him drunk.

10. . . . Just stay away from America.

11. And England. Especially England.

12. Spain is not allowed to try to visit any of his "children" because they still hate him for invading in the first place.

13. If France or Prussia says that it's a good idea, he is not allowed to do it.

14. Especially if they are holding cameras . . .

15. . . . And papers that involve selling things to Hungary.

16. If Hungary says something is a good idea, he is not allowed to think about doing it.

17. Holding a "re-enactment" of any of the battles he and England held is a bad idea - he WILL lose. Badly.

18. If he has an idea that involves tomatoes or churros, he is not allowed to bring it up at a World Conference.

19. While siestas are common in Spain, Spanish-speaking countries, and Italy, they are NOT to be taken in the middle of a meeting.

20. Death-threats, while effective, are forbidden under the grounds that "looking at MY Romano wrong" is not a good reason for them.

21. Neither is "speaking an inferior language while around me".

22. While Spain has a nice ass, people would appreciate it if he kept it OFF of the Internet.

23. And IN clothing.

24. That is not see-through or incredibly tight.

25. Spain is to be kept away from Romano during World Meetings.

26. Romano did wear dresses when he was younger, but he is not to wear them now.

27. Which means that YOU DON'T PUT HIM IN A DRESS, dammit.

28. Yanking the dress off when told about Rule 27 isn't allowed.

29. . . . especially when he's hidden all of Romano's underwear.

30. Which he is never allowed to do again.

31. He is not allowed to bring his axe to World Meetings.

32. The phrase "scoring a goal on Romano's field" is never, ever, ever, EVER to be used.

33. Even when he actually means it in a non-perverted way . . .

34. . . . which he never does.

35. Spain will not break these rules or Romano will ignore him for a month.


	4. America

Because Liberty Girl In The Sky requested it, here he is! Alfred F. Jones!

Also, this song is epic. Even though it isn't a song. It has dancing!Russia, so it is epic.

h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = 5 4 r a - G Y 6 U w M & f e a t u r e = r e l a t e d

Just remove the spaces. :D

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><p>1. Hamburgers will not solve all of the world's problems, he should stop insisting that they do.<p>

2. The world DOES NOT want to know what he and England were doing.

3. Pretending that he doesn't know what is going on is rude and demeaning to the others' intelligence – they know that he is a world superpower, he should act as such.

4. Being a superpower does not make him a superhero.

5. … so he can put his underwear where it belongs, on the INSIDE of his pants.

6. Having an insanely large amount of guns does not mean that he can charge into any situation without thinking.

7. America is not allowed to watch horror movies before World Meetings.

8. …because the whole "hiding under a chair whenever somebody walked into the room" wasn't funny after the three hundredth time.

9. America is not allowed to ask Russia for condoms …

10. … because he'll be a whiny teenager with an inferiority complex for a week.

11. Borrowing _more _money from China is not the appropriate solution to paying off debts.

12. America should not remind England of the Revolutionary War.

13. And if Hungary wants him and England to do a "re-enactment" of it, he should decline.

14. Because Hungary wasn't there, and therefore she didn't see what happened.

15. Which might cause her to fabricate several events.

16. And that would be very, very humiliating, since she would get it on video.

17. He is not allowed to get England drunk.

18. … even if there is a good reason.

19. … there never is a good reason.

20. He is not allowed to piss off Cuba, because Cuba takes it out on Canada.

21. He also is not allowed to bully Canada, because the poor guy gets enough of that from Russia.

22. He is not allowed to pick fights with Russia for no reason at all.

23. "Russia's spying on me!" isn't a good reason, because he sent his spies over first.

24. He cannot help Belarus marry Russia.

25. That would be very, very, very bad for him and Russia.

26. He cannot make "In Soviet Russia" jokes.

27. Because in Soviet Russia, Russia become one with you!

28. … WAS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON AS TO WHY NOT?

29. … because if it isn't, Russia would be happy to give him some.

30. The world doesn't care about his "Special Relationship" with England.

31. Also, France and Canada are in the broom closet.

32. If Alfred breaks any of these rules, Russia will get his pipe (and nukes) out.


	5. Russia

And now we have Russia!

Russia: Become one, da?

Me: Quit creeping on my readers.

Russia: Kolkolkolkolkolko -

Me: BELARUS! RUSSIA WANTS TO BECOME ONE WITH YOU!

Russia: REVIEW PLEASE! OR SHE'LL LET BELARUS IN!

Me: Ahahaha ...

And Switzerland is up next!

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><p>1. "Become one with me, da?" is not an appropriate greeting.<p>

2. "Okay! RAPE THEN!" is not the right response when somebody says "No," to the first one.

3. It is disturbing to chant "Kolkolkol" incessantly during meetings.

4. It is disturbing to carry around a water faucet pipe all the time as well.

5. Threatening your subordinates is not nice, polite, or conducive to a cheerful atmosphere.

6. Developing a bomb that kills off all forms of life except sunflowers is wrong, and not a good idea.

7. It is not okay to jump out of a plane with no parachute on.

8. Even when there is snow underneath.

9. Because if you fall from a great height, the snow will not help.

10. DUH. Seriously, shouldn't he know this?

11. Don't goad America into fighting. He's supposed to be more mature than he is because he's older.

12. No more jokes about "Russia is the biggest country in the world."

13. Russia is not allowed to make Lithuania become one with him again.

14. It was bad enough the first time.

15. "Becoming one with Russia," is not an acceptable peace strategy.

16. Russia is not allowed to replace all water with vodka.

17. … or sell the results of what happens to Hungary.

18. He and Lithuania will not participate in Hungary's latest BDSM fantasy.

19. Because that is wrong on so many levels.

20. He is not allowed to become one with Canada.

21. He and France are never allowed to have children.

22. They would be huge whores, and give STDs to the whole world.

23. He is not allowed to piss off Poland by saying that Lithuania is "his ho".

24. Or "his bitch".

25. Poland WILL invoke the Poland Rule on him.

26. Vodka is not "The Ultimate Fuel" and he should not claim that it is.

27. He cannot "claim" countries if their flag colors match his.

28. If Russia breaks any of these rules, America will … uh. Switzerland will … crap. BELARUS will get locked in a room with him for an extended period of time.


	6. Switzerland

Here's the Switzerland one for IMAxENIGMAx.

Sorry for any suckiness, but I've always seen him as sort of a rule-follower ... also, Russia was bothering me.

Russia: *drinking vodka* I miiiisss yooouu, Lithuania ... why can't we become one?

Me: *glaring* Go to sleep or I call Belarus.

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><p>1. Switzerland cannot carry around more than five guns at a time.<p>

2. "Looking at Lichtenstein" is not a good reason for shooting at France.

3. Neither is "being near Lichtenstein".

4. Or "breathing".

5. Randomly bursting into rooms and yelling at people is forbidden.

6. Switzerland cannot threaten to beat people to death with his peace prizes, as that is hypocritical.

7. Switzerland cannot start a war with Belgium over who has the best chocolate.

8. … he would lose, anyway.

9. Switzerland cannot take "potshots" at the Bad Touch Trio.

10. "But I would have missed anyway!" is not a good excuse.

11. … because he wouldn't have.

12. Switzerland is not allowed to force Japan to share his ideas.

13. That is counterproductive, Japan will share his ideas if he wants to.

14. Switzerland cannot shoot at countries running across his land.

15. … Because he isn't at war with any of them.

16. Switzerland is not allowed to shoot at Austria "because I don't like him".

17. The same goes for France, Prussia, and America.

18. … even though America is a lazy jerk most of the time.

19. Switzerland is not allowed to give death threats because of Lichtenstein.

20. If Lichtenstein chooses to engage in a relationship with anybody, Switzerland cannot give them the "8 Rules for Dating My Teenaged Daughter" talk.

21. Lichtenstein is his younger sister, not his daughter, and is therefore capable of making her own decisions.

22. … So he won't follow her around when she goes on dates either, that's just creepy.

23. "It's for her own safety!" isn't a good reason to, especially because she knows how to use a gun.

24. And she carries one around.

25. So she is perfectly safe, and there is no need for him to worry.

26. "They need to resolve their damned UST anyway" is not a good reason for locking nations in closets.

27. Or bathrooms.

28. Or hotel rooms.

29. Or any small enclosed area.

30. If Switzerland breaks any of the above rules, all of his guns will be taken away from him for a month.


	7. Hungary

And here is Hungary's list. England's list is up next~

Russia: I wouldn't mind being in a BDSM with Lithuania ... *pouts*

Me: Lithuania would mind.

Russia: So?

Me: 0.o IT'S CALLED RAPE, STUPID.

Russia: ...

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><p>1. Hungary is not allowed to form a Yaoi Club with Japan.<p>

2. There is no Yaoi Appreciation Day …

3. … and it does not fall on her birthday.

4. She is not allowed to put a camera in America and England's houses.

5. Or France's and Canada's.

6. Or Spain's and Romano's.

7. Or Germany's and Veneciano's.

8. The Revolutionary War was not UST.

9. … even though it was.

10. The Axis Powers did not have a "hot yaoi-ful threesome".

11. … Germany and Italy made out a few times, though.

12. But she isn't allowed to take advantage of that.

13. The Allies were NOT having orgies.

14. She is not allowed to ask any nations to participate in "documentaries".

15. Poland will not make a pornographic video with her …

16. … especially if it involves horses.

17. Germany and Prussia are not having sex.

18. And they won't, so she can STOP ASKING.

19. Austria loves her very much, but he will not have sex with Prussia.

20. She cannot ask Spain to record him and Romano having sex …

21. … because he would.

22. She cannot help Russia in his plan to "become one with the world".

23. "Just have a threesome already! Oh, and let me watch," is not the appropriate situation for the Greece/Japan/Turkey drama.

24. If two nations argue a lot, it does not mean that they have unresolved sexual tension.

25. If two nations hate each other, it will not result in kinky bondage sex.

26. Greece is not having sex with his cats.

27. Canada is not having sex with his polar bear.

28. No, she cannot mail kinky stuff to Germany and then watch as he uses it on Italy.

29. She is not allowed to buy porn from Japan and force other countries to act it out.

30. France will rape other countries for her …

31. … but she isn't allowed to ask him to.

32. Sweden and Finland do not like being followed around by her.

33. Just because they are married does not mean that they have sex constantly.

34. THERE IS MORE TO MALE/MALE RELATIONSHIPS THAN CONSTANT SEX.

35. She is not allowed to knock Prussia out with her frying pan for no reason at all.

36. If Hungary breaks any of these rules, she will be banned from all yaoi (both live and animated) for three years.


	8. England

I wanted to say THANK YOU to all of the wonderful people who have favorited and alerted and reviewed. You guys truly make my day when I look at my email and see a FF alert email.

Russia: She really means it, she's been hugging me for the last half hour, grinning her face off.

Me: Yup! That's how happy I am!

And here's the England chapter. Next is probably Japan, unless I get a suggestion ...

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><p>1. England is not allowed to force-feed other countries.<p>

2. … no, not even France, even though nobody (except Canada and Spain and Prussia) really care if he dies or not.

3. Or America, he owes China too much money and would screw up the global economy if he dies.

4. … besides, why would he want to kill his boyfriend?

5. On that note, England cannot force anybody to sit in Busby's chair.

6. …except Russia, and nobody can "force" Russia to do ANYTHING.

7. Randomly cursing people who irritate him is a bad idea …

8. … especially since the curse usually backfires or goes wrong, and he has to deal with it.

9. Just because America was his colony does not mean that he can boss him around.

10. … he can boss him around because he is his boyfriend, though.

11. Just because he has beaten up Spain before does not mean that he can do it again.

12. The same goes for France.

13. … ignore Number 12, he can beat up France whenever he wants to.

14. Russia is not the incarnation of pure evil, and therefore should not be summoned as such.

15. … Okay, he might be the incarnation of pure evil, but then England shouldn't have to be that drastic. Something less harsh, like a horde of screaming Furies, should get his point across.

16. Yes, the Beatles were English. However, that does not give England permission to jump on a chair and start screaming out the lyrics to any of their songs …

17. … during meetings.

18. Punk might have boomed in England, but it does not give him the right to show up at meetings with green hair, lip piercings, leather pants, and guns.

19. If the utility closet is "occupied", there are these things called HOTEL ROOMS …

20. … SO DON'T JUST HAVE SEX IN THE HALLWAY.

21. … or the conference room.

22. … or the staircase.

23. … or Hungary's room, it's covered with cameras to catch "yaoi moments".

24. England is not allowed to participate in "documentaries" with Hungary.

25. This is for his own good, as Hungary has several wrong perceptions about pirates.

26. One of them being that they had sex on the plank that prisoners walked.

27. In fact, England should stay away from Hungary …

28. … and Japan, because he's trying to set up a threesome with England, America, and himself.

29. If England breaks any of these rules, he will be force-fed one of his own scones.


	9. Poland

Here is Poland for ArthurIsAwesome!

Russia: *glares* I dislike Poland.

Me: It was a request. So I had to do it.

Russia: You will do Lithuania next, da.

Me: But Lithuania is gonna be hard to do. *pouts*

Russia: Kolkolkolkolkolkol ...

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><p>1. Poland is not allowed to wear more than ten pink articles of clothing at a time.<p>

2. Mascara and eyeliner and lip gloss and base and nail polish are fine …

3. BUT NO DAMN BODY GLITTER!

4. Poland is not allowed to show up to meetings riding a pony.

5. "Does this skirt make my butt look cute?" isn't what Germany meant when he asked if there were any questions.

6. Also, Poland cannot wear skirts that go over mid-thigh.

7. "I'll put the Poland Rule into effect!" cannot be used as a threat more than five times per war.

8. Poland is not allowed to declare war on Russia because "he's like, fucking with MY bitch!"

9. "Because they look totally unfabulous in those clothes" is not a good reason to strip somebody.

10. Lithuania is not his bitch.

11. Or his ho.

12. So he should stop calling him that, or Russia will get very angry.

13. Poland is not allowed to strip at World Meetings.

14. If he does strip, he is not allowed to wink at Lithuania and ask "Do you like what you see?".

15. … let's just say that if he does that, World War III can and will break out.

16. Poland is not allowed to take over a major fashion industry …

17. … or get a television show that small children would see …

18. … or have an army completely composed of ponies.

19. The pony army would lose all battles, anyway.

20. Because ponies cannot shoot, drive tanks, or do anything that requires an opposable thumb.

21. There is no magical "pony power" that will give them the ability to do the things mentioned in Number 20.

22. Poland is not allowed to try to become a fairy …

23. … or change his ponies into unicorns …

24. … or to make himself sparkle when he walks out into the sunlight.

25. It isn't pretty, it is disturbing.

26. Some nations do not have impeccable fashion sense …

27. … but that doesn't give him the right to drag them out to go shopping with him.

28. If Poland breaks any of these rules, the Russia Rule will take effect and Moscow will become his capital.


	10. Lithuania

Lithuanina chapter done for Rue-the-Marauder! Hope you enjoy!

Russia: Lithuania ... we should become one again! It would be fun, da?

Me: Fff- No. This is staying T-rated, because I am thirteen and do not need those mental images.

Russia: But we were one once, when the Earth was called Pangaea! EVERYBODY was one with Russia then.

Me: I ... need ... brainbleach ...

* * *

><p>1. If Belarus is crouched outside of Russia's window, Lithuania is not allowed to tap her on her shoulder and ask her how she is doing.<p>

2. … Because she will stab him if he does something like that.

3. Lithuania should not ask Belarus out on another date, the chances are that she'll say no unless Russia is involved.

4. If Russia is involved, he will not survive the evening.

5. So therefore he will not ask Belarus out on a date.

6. Chain letters do not work, so it is pointless to forward them to others.

7. It is also really irritating.

8. If Russia asks him to look at something in a small, dark, empty room, he should follow his instincts and get the hell away from there.

9. If Russia makes the "Rape Joke", he should run.

10. Because it isn't a joke.

11. Insulting Russia's wardrobe is a very, very, very (very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very) bad idea.

12. As is donating Russia's clothes to museums.

13. Because he wears them on a regular basis.

14. If Russia is drunk, Lithuania should run.

15. And warn Poland.

16. If Poland is drunk, Lithuania is not allowed to sit back and watch him strip.

17. After all, good friends stop others from stripping, best friends join them!

18. If Hungary starts talking about him being in a "documentary", he should decline.

19. If Hungary asks him to be in a "movie", he should decline.

20. Let's just say that if he accepts, he's going to end up as an unmovable, bloody hunk of meat.

21. … that is in great pain.

22. If he talks to Belarus, it will irritate her. If Belarus is irritated, she will go to Russia. If she goes to Russia, he will be in pain. The moral of this rule is that he shouldn't talk to Belarus.

23. He should give Latvia the Talk as soon as possible, to stop it from being done by Russia.

24. Or France.

25. Because if it is France that gives Latvia the Talk, things will get very, very, very bad, very, very, very quickly.

26. And if it is Russia that gives Latvia the Talk – oh shit. Let's just say that he will never be able to look at Latvia the same way.

27. Lithuania cannot let Poland talk him into a skirt.

28. Or a dress.

29. If Lithuania breaks any of these rules, then he will be locked in a room with Belarus and Russia for hours.


	11. North Italy

Feliciano Vargas, done because he was mentioned. And therefore, Romano will be up in the next chapter.

Russia: Become one, da?

Belarus: I would like to become one with you, brother ... let's get married ... married ... married ... married ...

Russia: No ... *cowers in closet*

Me: *points away from closet* He went that way, Belarus.

Also, I don't mean Romano's and Feliciano's siesta-taking in a perverted manner - I think that as brothers, they sleep together. I've slept with my siblings tons of times in a non-sexual manner.

* * *

><p>1. Feliciano is not allowed to take siestas during meetings.<p>

2. Ever.

3. Especially with his brother …

4. Or Germany.

5. If he does decide to take one, he is to do it with his clothes ON.

6. Because siestas are not that common in other parts of the world, so some nations might be a bit uncomfortable with seeing a grown man lying around naked for about an hour.

7. "I have rope burns because Germany tied me up to the headboard before we had sex!" is not to be blurted out during meetings.

8. Nor is "PAAAASSSTTAAAAA!"

9. If France asks him "Do you like me?" he should run away very, very, very fast.

10. Likewise, if France asks him "Do you like Germany?" he should keep his damn mouth shut.

11. Because if he says "yes", Hungary will find out.

12. Speaking of Hungary, if she says that it is a good idea to do something with Germany, he shouldn't.

13. These "good ideas" include wearing dresses.

14. He isn't a girl, so he shouldn't wear dresses.

15. If Hungary asks him to be in a "documentary", he should decline.

16. There is no "Nation of Pasta".

17. Pasta cannot talk.

18. Romano is still a bit touchy about himself and Spain, so Feliciano should not bring it up at World Meetings.

19. Especially not in the form of "Ve, Romano and big brother Spain are fucking!"

20. … because Romano still hasn't forgiven him for the time that he did say that.

21. Having sex in closets is considered rude.

22. … as is having sex in bathrooms.

23. And places other than YOUR OWN HOUSE.

24. Yes, Russia is scary. However, he should not run away screaming from a "Hello".

25. "I surrender!" is not an automatic reflex.

26. Therefore, he should stop saying it over and over when confronted with a scary situation.

27. National panic is not to be declared because of a lack of pasta.

28. … Because a lack of pasta is easily remedied.

29. Germany is to be called "Germany" not "the love of my life who looks wonderful without a shirt on".

30. … or however you say that in Italian or German.

31. If Italy breaks any of these rules, his white flags, wine, pizza, and pasta will be taken away from him for a week.


	12. South Italy

Romano Vargas done for ArthurIsAwesome. Up next is Canada~

Russia: Who?

Me: The guy you sit on all the time. The world's second largest country. America's brother.

Russia: He should become one with me, da. Then we could take over Alaska and dominate the North. Kolkolkolkolkolkol ...

Me: *backs away slowly*

* * *

><p>1. Romano is not allowed to hurt Spain very badly without reason.<p>

2. "But he's a stupid bastard!" is not a good reason for walking up to him and punching him in the face.

3. He is not allowed to throw grenades at Germany without reason.

4. "He fucked my brother, that potato-fucking bastard!" is not a good reason.

5. It was consensual, so he needs to shut up about it.

6. Yes, he has a good portion of his body controlled by the mafia.

7. … but that doesn't give him the right to shoot people in the middle of meetings.

8. France cannot molest him with his eyes alone …

9. … so he should stop hiding behind Spain every time France walks into the room.

10. Wait, forget Number 9. This is France, after all.

11. Romano is not allowed to listen to Hungary about anything.

12. Especially the parts about wearing dresses around Spain …

13. … because they usually don't have the decency to make it to a hotel room.

14. If Hungary asks him about how gay marriage is allowed in Spain, he is to start running.

15. … She's working on picking out a dress for him.

16. He is not allowed to scream and run away from Russia "because he said hi to me!".

17. Russia is not out to get him.

18. Russia is not sleeping under his bed.

19. Russia has not stolen any of his underwear.

20. … where does he get these ideas?

21. France is not out to get him … he is merely a pervert who molests anything that moves.

22. France is not sleeping under his bed … he is out getting drunk at a strip bar.

23. Okay, France might have some of his underwear. Might.

24. Spain isn't out to get him … he is out to "claim him in the name of Spain". There is a difference.

25. Spain is not sleeping under his bed, he is sleeping in it. Or not sleeping.

26. Spain has not stolen any of his underwear.

27. NONE OF THE OTHER COUNTRIES ARE STALKING HIM.

28. Head-butts are not a form of attack.

29. You throw the GRENADE, not the PIN.

30. If Romano breaks any of these rules, he will be locked in a very small room with Russia.


	13. Canada

Sorry for the unfunny short chapter gaiz ... I've just been really really sleepy today, and ... *yawns* So many people wanted this, though, so I thought I should post it ... *falls asleep*

* * *

><p>1. No matter WHAT France says, stripping is not a good way of being noticed.<p>

2. Canada is not allowed to become one with Russia.

3. Because that would result in the destruction of Alaska, the takeover of the North, and then the annexing of the world by Russia.

4. He should ignore what his brother says about getting noticed …

5. … because climbing up the CN Tower while screaming like a lunatic and holding a woman in one of his hands is NOT a good idea.

6. Neither is declaring war on Russia …

7. … which would cause him to be known as "body-bag" for the rest of his life.

8. And by "the rest of his life", we mean "three seconds".

9. Setting Kumajiro on people is never a good idea.

10. If Cuba hits him, he should try to explain to Cuba about how he is making a mistake …

11. … He shouldn't go and try to kill America because he's a jerk.

12. America is not making other nations mad at him on purpose.

13. Russia is not trying to kill him by sitting on him … he just doesn't see him.

14. And even if he had seen him, he probably still would have sat there.

15. Canada is not allowed to make people think that their houses are haunted.

16. If Hungary asks him about France, he should start running.

17. He is not allowed to make a "movie" with Hungary.

18. The fact that there is a town called "New Prussia" and a province that is mainly French is in no way sexual …

19. … and he should explain that to Hungary.

20. Because she seems to think that he, France, and Prussia are having a threesome.

21. … France and Prussia wouldn't mind, which is exactly why he should explain that to her.

22. Or things will get very, very bad, very, very fast.

23. America is not out to get him with a chainsaw.

24. He should try to remember Kumajiro's name some more.

25. If Canada breaks any of these rules, he will be forced to wear the American flag for a month.


	14. Japan

Fuck sleep, I'm writing this.

Anywho, here's Japan, done because yes, there are yaoi fanboys. (He's a bit of a yuri fanboy too, so ehh ...)

Me: *looks at list* ... Russia.

Russia: Da?

Me: You made that BDSM with Lithuania ...

Russia: It was very fun.

Me: ... when I said that you couldn't. Now, what would happen if you broke the rules again? *goes to check*

Russia: Ohshiii-

* * *

><p>1. Japan is not allowed to use his doujinshis to educate any nation about sex.<p>

2. … because NOBODY should have to see that.

3. Germany and Italy do not appreciate him taking pictures of them constantly.

4. Neither do England and America …

5. … well, America doesn't mind, he's a huge camera/attention whore.

6. Greece doesn't want to make a pornographic video …

7. … despite the amounts of nude statues he's made.

8. Spain and Romano do not like being followed around constantly …

9. … but Spain will quite happily send him videos of him and Romano doing stuff. He's just that dense.

10. Japan is not allowed to take advantage of Number 9.

11. Poland and Lithuania don't like having pictures taken of them.

12. Besides, didn't Hungary make a BDSM with Lithuania and Russia?

13. And aren't there dozens of pictures of Poland all over the Internet?

14. He is not allowed to form a Yaoi Appreciation Club.

15. There is no Yaoi Day, and there never will be.

16. Japan is not allowed to sell Hungary pornography, it will cause her economy to collapse.

17. "Nosebleed" is not an adjective.

18. "Elusiveness" is not a battle technique.

19. Greece and Turkey do not have Unresolved Sexual Tension …

20. … so he should stop implying that they do.

21. Russia and China don't either.

22. Neither do Russia and Lithuania …

23. Or Lithuania and Poland …

24. Or Russia and Poland …

25. So the three of them do not need to have a threesome.

26. Yes, Ukraine and Hungary both have large breasts.

27. … this doesn't mean that they should have sex and let him watch.

28. He is not allowed to demonstrate his "mad cool ninja skills" in front of America.

29. Because it can, and will, give him bad ideas.

30. Japan is not allowed to pick random nations out of a hat and lock them in a room together.

31. Especially if one of the nations in the hat is France.

32. If Japan breaks any of these rules, Korea will be locked in a room with him.


	15. Korea

Korea up, Germany is next.

Russia: Heeeeelp!

Me: Ahaha~ You shouldn't have made that BDSM with Lithuania, Russia.

Belarus: Thank you, nice author girl. Now me and my brother can finally become one!

Me: Uh ... shit. Who thinks I should let Russia out, and who wants a video of what happens with these two if I don't let Russia out?

* * *

><p>1. China's "breasts" do not belong to Korea.<p>

2. Neither do Japan's.

3. In fact, neither China nor Japan has breasts, due to the fact that they are male.

4. Ukraine's breasts do not belong to Korea.

5. And if he tries to say that they do, Russia will beat him with that pipe of his.

6. Yaoi did not originate in Korea.

7. Neither did alcohol, pornography, or sexy women.

8. He should stop implying that they did, because the creators of said objects (Japan, Greece, Greece, and Ancient Greece) will be quite happy to kill him over copyrights.

9. Russia did not originate in Korea.

10. Neither did vodka …

11. … pipes …

12. … or murder.

13. Those are all Russia's trademark, so he should stop claiming that he owns them, as it will get Russia very, very, very (very, very, very, very, very, very) angry.

14. And when Russia is angry, bad things happen.

15. If Hungary asks him to make a "documentary" with the rest of his family, he is to decline.

16. No matter what she offers.

17. Hungary's breasts do not belong to him.

18. They never have …

19. … and they never will.

20. Crazy, incest-driven sisters did not originate in Korea.

21. Incest did not originate in Korea …

22. … it began in Ancient Greece, and Greece gets very territorial over his mother, so he should shut up about it.

23. Orgies did not originate in Korea …

24. … they began in Rome.

25. And even though he is dead, Rome can still kick his ass.

26. The mafia originated in Italy, not Korea.

27. Romano would be quite happy to prove this to him, so he should shut up about it if he values his life.

28. Tomatoes did not originate in Korea.

29. Neither did siestas …

30. … pasta …

31. … wine …

32. … or white flags.

33. The Italia brothers will kill him for copyright infringement, so he should keep his damn mouth shut if he knows what is good for him.

34. If Korea breaks any of these rules, Japan will tell him where babies come from. He does not want to find out that way, so he should shut up and sit still.


	16. Germany

We have Germany in this one, as promised.

Next up will probably be Denmark, but it might not be.

Russia: I want to kill some of your reviewers, da.

Me: What for?

Russia: They wanted a pornographic video of me and my sister.

Me: I let you out of that room, right?

Russia: Right ...

Me: So you owe me one. No killing. And for my reviewers, sorry no porno. Russia started screaming in horror and I got a headache. So I let him out. ... But I got a few good pics of her Frenching him! You guys can have those. *hands out photos*

* * *

><p>1. He cannot shoot Prussia for irritating him.<p>

2. Germany is not allowed to shoot Prussia "for being a dumbass".

3. Or for "looking at Feliciano the wrong way".

4. If Feliciano tries to take a siesta at a World Conference, Germany is to stop him, not join him.

5. He is not allowed to teach Romano how to use a grenade …

6. … because if he does, both he and Spain will be in a large amount of pain.

7. He is not allowed to sell pictures of himself and Italy to Hungary.

8. If Hungary is making a World War II "documentary", he is not allowed to participate …

9. … because she is under the impression that he, Feliciano, and Japan were having threesomes all the time.

10. Japan wouldn't mind, so he should decline.

11. If Hungary is making a "movie" about German heritage, he should not be in it.

12. … because she seems to think that he was having sex with Prussia the whole time.

13. Prussia wouldn't mind (that much) which is why he should decline.

14. If Feliciano gets a camera, he should occasionally take a look at what kinds of photos he is taking …

15. … and if he is giving them to Hungary …

16. If he is giving them to Hungary, he should start running.

17. … because Feliciano does not understand the meaning of "privacy".

18. Germany is not allowed to take away Feliciano's pasta …

19. … white flags …

20. … or perfume.

21. And yes, it is perfume and not cologne.

22. All of these things help Feliciano be the carefree nation he is, and would cause mental and emotional damage if taken away …

23. … and the perfume helps him hit on pretty girls. So shut up about it.

24. If Feliciano calls him in the middle of the night, screaming, his mind should not immediately go to the gutter.

25. Because they are BROTHERS.

26. … and Romano is not like Prussia.

27. If Germany breaks any of these rules, uh … Italy will make him wear cat ears.


	17. Greece

The Greece chapter for Eva N Desu!~ I used your suggestion, it's Number 26.

Also, I could be the female version of Greece. Brown messy hair, cat lover, sleep a lot, and I like yaoi. (Yaoi originated in Greece, didja know)

Russia: *drinking vodka* I wonder if Hungary would like another BDSM video ...

Me: WHAT? Did being locked in a room with Belarus not teach you anything? *headdesk*

Russia: Oh, it was worth it. Did you know that Lithuania [censored for decency].

Me: I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!

* * *

><p>1. Greece is not allowed to make Japan wear cat ears.<p>

2. … or that cat costume.

3. Greece cannot wear that cat costume.

4. Greece is a nation-personification, not a cat. Ergo, he has to wear clothes in public.

5. Greece cannot reinstate the Ancient Olympics.

6. Nudity is not a form of art anymore …

7. … SO HE SHOULD PUT HIS DAMN CLOTHES ON.

8. Yes, Rome and his mother did not get along very well. However, this does not give him the right to beat up the Italy brothers.

9. He is not in Sparta.

10. This is not Sparta.

11. Therefore, he is not allowed to proclaim that it is Sparta in the middle of meetings.

12. Greece is not allowed to sell naked pictures of himself to other people.

13. Greece is not allowed to sell pornography of himself and Japan to Hungary.

14. "Pornography" is defined as a recording, visual or audio, where one or both of them is naked, and they engage in any mildly sexual act.

15. Developing a bomb that will kill everything but cats is a very bad idea, so Greece is forbidden to do it.

16. Greece is not allowed to kill China because people in his country eat cats.

17. "Sleeping" is not a battle technique.

18. Cats are not higher beings, and therefore should not be worshipped.

19. Greece is not allowed to sleep though World Meetings …

20. … but it's okay to sleep when America and France are talking, all they talk about is hamburgers and sex.

21. Switzerland will shoot to kill if he dresses Lichtenstein up as a cat again.

22. He is not allowed to dress France up as a cat.

23. He is not allowed to have sex with France.

24. He is not allowed to have children with France …

25. … Russia …

26. … or Prussia, because those children would be world-class whores.

27. Hello Kitty is to cats as Justin Beiber is to music, however, Greece still cannot kill the makers of Hello Kitty, because China likes it.

28. Yes, homosexuality originated in Greece, yes, he is male, yes, he is going out with Japan … Greece still cannot sell anything to Hungary.

29. Greece is not the God of Yaoi, he should explain this to Hungary.

30. He is not allowed to kill Turkey for "talking to Japan" …

31. … "looking at Japan" …

32. … or "breathing".

33. The thumb-trick is FAKE.

34. If Greece breaks any of these rules, he will be forced to watch cat porn for five hours.


	18. Liechtenstein

... I've decided not to do Denmark ... I just haven't seen enough clips of him to get a conclusive hold on his character. So if you have any Denmark clips from the anime (like on YouTube) LINK ME. Put spaces between the letters, so FFnet doesn't edit it out. Please and thank you, sorry if I seem overbearing but I haven't been able to pin down any good clips that aren't fan-drawn.

edit: Here we have Liechtenstein, whose name I spelled the same (wrong!) way for the whole chapter. Either way, it's consistency, right guys? *shot*

Russia: She should become one with me, da.

Me: ... SHE'S AN EFFING CHILD.

Russia: ... So?

Me: ... There is so, so, so much wrong with that. *headdesks*

Up next will probably be Sealand, unless I get any requests.

* * *

><p>1. Liechtenstein is not allowed to make Switzerland wear pink …<p>

2. … ever again. There were enough minds scarred the first time.

3. Liechtenstein is not allowed to become one with Russia.

4. Liechtenstein is not allowed to have an alliance with Hungary – all Hungary really wants is pictures of her brother in the shower.

5. Liechtenstein is not allowed to have an alliance with Belarus – all Belarus wants is an innocent-looking friend to help further her agenda of "becoming one" with Russia.

6. Liechtenstein is not allowed to have an alliance with France – this is for her safety, because France seems to think that nobody is too young for sex.

7. Liechtenstein is not allowed to have an alliance with Prussia – all Prussia wants is more vital regions to claim.

8. If Hungary gives her some videos, she is to burn them. Not watch them.

9. If Japan gives her some books, she is to add them to the bonfire of Hungary's movies. They contain mind-scarring content.

10. If England tries to teach her about "the birds and the bees", she is to run away screaming. England is known for his … explicit … methods of sexual education.

11. If France gets drunk, she should start running. Or shoot him, preferably in his vital regions.

12. Russia is not to be called "Mr. Sunflower".

13. Switzerland is not to be called any embarrassing nicknames in public …

14. … and the world does not need to know about Mr. Bear.

15. Pictures of Switzerland in his pink pajamas are not to be placed where others can see them.

16. She should stay away from North Italy if he is running across her or Switzerland's property at night – because Switzerland is not a good shooter when he is tired.

17. "Can you draw some pictures of bunnies?" is not an appropriate response when Switzerland asks "Are there any questions?" at a World Meeting.

18. "But they're so cute!" is not a good reason to do so.

19. If Hungary starts talking about "yaoi", she should politely decline any spying missions that she is asked to join.

20. The same goes for Japan.

21. If France says "l'amour", she should shoot him.

22. If Prussia says "claiming your vital regions" or "five meters", she should shoot him.

23. If Russia says "becoming one with Russia", she should not shoot him. She should run.

24. Because becoming one with Russia is a very, very, very, (very, very, very, very, very, very) bad idea, but shooting him is an even worse idea.

25. Her brother does not want to participate in a "movie" with Austria and Prussia, so she should tell Hungary that.

26. The scrapbook of cutely drawn animals that Switzerland gave her is not to be brought outside …

27. … because Prussia will use it as blackmail.

28. If Liechtenstein breaks any of these rules, the scrapbook of cute animals that Switzerland made will be taken away for a month.


	19. Sealand

Sealand chapter because I did the Liechtenstein one, and the smaller nations need more love. Up next will be Rome. (Rah, rah, ra-ah-ah, Rome-ah, Rome-ah-ah ... *shot*)

The first three rules are inspired by h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v =_ 8 R o n T h x a n I. Remove the spaces.

Also, I'm not quite sure of British terminology here. "Bugger" is a verb connotating anal sex, then would bottoming be "getting buggered by [insert topper here]" or does it not matter, would "buggering [insert topper here]" suffice?

Russia: He is dating Latvia? MY bitch?

Me: Latvia has the physical age of a teenager. What the fuck, Russia.

Russia: What? All the Baltics are my bitches. Except Lithuania.

Me: ... why?

Russia: Because he is my ho.

Me: *headdesks*

* * *

><p>1. Sealand isn't on a boat.<p>

2. … so he should not start rapping in the middle of meetings.

3. … and Latvia will not be the background singer.

4. He cannot sell himself on eBay …

5. … the street …

6. … or any other place. France might buy him.

7. He cannot become one with Russia.

8. Dressing up as Justin Beiber is not a good way to get recognized.

9. Neither is stripping.

10. He shouldn't curse, England has taught him bet – he shouldn't curse.

11. Impersonating Canada will not get him recognized – nobody recognizes Canada except for the fangirls.

12. … and he does not want to get recognized by fangirls.

13. If Russia gives him "love advice" concerning Latvia, he is not allowed to follow it.

14. Liechtenstein is actually a nation, so therefore she has no desire to rebel against her brother.

15. Asking America for advice on government is always a horrible idea.

16. … it's like asking Russia for love advice, which he is never allowed to do again.

17. If France says something is a good idea, he is not allowed to do it.

18. If America would do it, he cannot do it.

19. If Hungary is willing to help him do something, it is a bad idea and he cannot do it.

20. He is not allowed to hide in utility closets during meetings, because they are used as sex closets.

21. The same goes for bathrooms, stairways that are deserted, and pretty much every small area that people do not normally frequent.

22. If Hungary asks him to be in a "movie" with Latvia, he should decline.

23. It will get him noticed, but in a very bad way.

24. A very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very bad way.

25. He is not allowed to repeat words that England says when he is drunk or angry.

26. He is not allowed to ask England what he is doing with America in his bedroom …

27. … because England will tell him. And it will not be pretty.

28. If Hungary gives him any movies, he is to burn them.

29. He is to do the same with any books Japan gives him.

30. Finland is not his mother.

31. "But he buggers Sweden!" does not make him female.

32. The "m' wife" comment is a joke, and does not make him female.

33. So he is to stop addressing Finland as "Mom".

34. He shouldn't ask Finland what he and Sweden are doing at night …

35. … because Finland will send him to England to have that explained.

36. If Sealand breaks any of these rules, then Russia will be forced to tell him where babies come from.


	20. Rome

Rome chapter done for TheOppositesAlchemist. I used your suggestions, they are Numbers 1 and 6.

Be warned at my (very heavy) Rome/Germania shipping.

Russia: I miss my sister ...

Me: Oh, really? *evil grin* BELARUS!

Russia: I meant Ukrain - oh, crap. *runs*

Belarus: I missed you too, big brother. But when we get MARRIED, we'll always be together, and I will crush Lithuania's skull in!

* * *

><p>1. Germania is not Legolas …<p>

2. … his bitch …

3. … or his ho.

4. So he should stop saying that he is.

5. Rome is not allowed to say the word "sex" more than five times in one sentence.

6. Watching people sleep is considered stalking, so he shouldn't do it.

7. Even when one of the people you are watching is your grandson's boyfriend.

8. Feliciano and Romano both know where babies come from, but he still isn't allowed to tell them.

9. He and Germania do not have any lovechildren.

10. And they never will.

11. He is not allowed to bother Greece or Ancient Greece.

12. ESPECIALLY Ancient Greece.

13. Because she still hasn't quite gotten over how he conquered her, enslaved her people, and then copied her religion and art.

14. Rome is not allowed to tell Spain about Romano's curl. Romano values the ability to walk without screaming in agony.

15. Public nudity is no longer acceptable.

16. If Hungary asks him to be in a "documentary", he is to decline …

17. … because she seems to think that he and Germania were having sex with all of the nations that they conquered.

18. Oh, and each other. (Well, they were, but not on the battlefield.)

19. Stripping is not an art form.

20. Rome is not allowed to talk to France …

21. … he's already perverted enough.

22. Yes, America has borrowed heavily from the language, architecture, and governing system of the Romans …

23. … but America doesn't have a crush on him. So he should shut up about it.

24. France is not his and Germania's lovechild. He is to look at rules 9 and 10.

25. The fact that he and Germania are in a relationship does not mean that Feliciano and Germany are engaged in incest.

26. Rome is not allowed to make pornographic videos and post them on the Internet …

27. … send them as gifts to other nations …

28. … or give them to Germania.

29. If Rome breaks any of these rules, Ancient Greece will kick his ass. As will Germania.


	21. Austria

Austria chapter done for Map of the Stars. Up next will be Belarus, probably.

Russia: BELARUS? WHERE?

Me: In a chapter. She'll be up next. *headdesk*

Russia: You will put that she is not allowed to rape me (again), da? And that we will not get married? And that her watching me sleep is really, really, really creepy? And that -

Me: *covers Russia's mouth* Quit spoiling the chapter, dammit!

* * *

><p>1. Austria is not allowed to bring his piano to meetings.<p>

2. Playing the piano is not a battle technique.

3. He is not allowed to have sex with Hungary on the piano if he does bring it to meetings.

4. No matter how much Hungary asks, he is forbidden to have sex on the piano with Prussia …

5. … Switzerland …

6. … or anybody, really. And her puppy-dog eyes are not a good excuse to do so.

7. If Hungary asks/tells him to make a "movie" with another country, he is to decline.

8. Because chances are that the other country will be Prussia or Switzerland. Or both, Hungary isn't picky.

9. If Hungary locks him in a room/closet with Prussia/Switzerland, he is not allowed to try to kill himself.

10. … it wouldn't work, anyway. Hungary would have removed anything that he could end his life with.

11. Feliciano is a boy. Not a girl. He needs to remember that, despite the fact that it is fairly easy to guess the wrong gender.

12. Since Germany does not remember that he was the Holy Roman Empire, Austria should not beat him up for distracting Feliciano from his work.

13. He should make it clear to the other countries that his hair curl is NOT his erogenous zone …

14. … because Hungary is telling Prussia that it is.

15. "But she gave me puppy dog eyes!" is not a good excuse for becoming Hungary's sex slave.

16. He is not allowed to kill Prussia for calling him "whipped" …

17. … because he is.

18. The same goes for "cheapskate".

19. "Piano-fucker" is a maiming, not killing, offence.

20. … and face it, people will eventually think that, seeing as he spends almost all of his free time with his piano.

21. He is not allowed to try to regain control of Romano …

22. … because Romano is quite happily claimed in the name of Spain.

23. He is not allowed to try to regain control of Feliciano …

24. ... he's a grown nation with his own troubles and doesn't have time to wash his dishes.

25. Austria is not allowed to tell Liechtenstein that her brother is a huge cheapskate …

26. … she already knows. Besides, he's a bigger cheapskate.

27. If Austria breaks any of these rules, he will be locked in a room with Justin Beiber playing. All suicide attempts will be stopped.


	22. Belarus

And now we have the Belarus chapter, done for Map of the Stars.

Sorry all Belarus/Russia shippers ... it's onesided in this chapter.

Also, I fucked with Latvia's age. He's the physical age of a little kid ... think 6-9 (ohohoho, see what I did there). Also, he's a (pretty damn busy) nation, so just assume that he doesn't know about some things, just because (1) nobody ever bothered to tell him, (2) he never really thought about it, and (3) it just never came up.

((Also, I welcome suggestions, as I have no idea of who I should do next.))

* * *

><p>1. Russia is her brother, and therefore he does not want to marry her.<p>

2. So she should send the rings back.

3. There is something called informed consent.

4. It is not given when people are drunk …

5. … fearing for their lives …

6. … or talking in their sleep.

7. Belarus is not allowed to rape Russia …

8. … ever again.

9. Belarus is not allowed to kill Hungary for trying (and succeeding) to get Russia in a BDSM porno with Lithuania.

10. She is not allowed to kill Lithuania, either. He didn't want to.

11. Belarus is not allowed to plant cameras in Russia's shower.

12. Or his bedroom.

13. … or anywhere else. She should also remove the cameras that she did already plant around the house.

14. Killing Lithuania is a very bad idea, Russia has a soft spot for him and would get angry if he died.

15. … besides, he isn't trying to "steal" Russia.

16. She is not allowed to kidnap Liechtenstein for information on how to create sibling bonds.

17. Dressing up as Lithuania will not fool Russia.

18. Belarus is not allowed to kill China because he is in a relationship with Russia.

19. Belarus is not allowed to kill Poland because Russia doesn't like him.

20. When Poland says "I wear the dress _so _much better!", it is not a killing offence.

21. Belarus is not allowed to have more than five knives with her at any point in time.

22. Belarus is not allowed to kill people for looking at Russia …

23. … talking to him …

24. … or breathing near him.

25. Belarus is not allowed to kill Switzerland "because he is closer to his sister than I am to Russia!"

26. Belarus is not allowed to kill Liechtenstein for the same reason.

27. Belarus is not allowed to break all of the bones in Lithuania's body in exchange for a date.

28. Just because Russia wears a scarf that Ukraine gave him does not mean that he will wear a pair of panties that she gives him.

29. Belarus is not allowed to kill America because Russia does not like him.

30. … a little maiming is okay, though.

31. Belarus is not allowed to tell Latvia where babies come from.

32. The Cold War was not Unresolved Sexual Tension, so she cannot kill America for being attracted to her brother.

33. Having a crush on Russia is not a killing offence …

34. … and not that many nations do, anyway.

35. If Belarus breaks any of these rules, she will not be able to see Russia for a week.


	23. Denmark

Here we have Denmark, done for an anonymous reviewer on Chapter 12.

Also, I get to see Insidious tomorrow. FUCK YES!

Russia: Your American horror movies are quite tame ...

Me: *glares* IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY COUNTRY IS A WIMP. *cries*

Russia: ... *backs away*

* * *

><p>1. Denmark is not allowed to tell everybody that Finland and Sweden are having sex …<p>

2. … they already know.

3. Denmark is not allowed to give Sealand the Talk …

4. … he doesn't need that kind of mental scarring.

5. Yes, Finland is Santa. However, that does not mean that he will get free porn whenever he asks for it.

6. Sweden didn't leave because he was jealous that Denmark was hotter than him.

7. His hair is not cooler than France's.

8. … even though it is.

9. He is not allowed to start an "Awesomeness War" with Prussia …

10. … he would lose.

11. His axe is not cooler than Spain's.

12. He is not allowed to insinuate that Spain is compensating for something with his axe …

13. … because that would mean that he is doing the same thing.

14. … also, Spain is not compensating for anything.

15. Danish and Norwegian are written together because of the similarities in the languages, so he should stop saying that it has a "deeper meaning".

16. The Nordics are not his bitches.

17. Sweden will _kill _him if he gropes Finland again.

18. Norway doesn't mind being groped, it's being groped in public that he minds.

19. Sealand is not Finland's and Sweden's lovechild.

20. He is to stop saying that he is …

21. … and he is not allowed to tell Sealand what "lovechild" means.

22. He, Prussia, and America do not have "the combined awesomeness of a thousand beers".

23. Going Viking-mode whenever he is irritated is a bad idea …

24. … especially if he is around Russia. Then it becomes a suicidal idea.

25. He is never allowed to make a Russian Reversal joke ever again.

26. … didn't what happened to America teach him better?

27. Norway will not have sex with him in a broom closet, he should stop asking.

28. … He is not allowed to take Number 27 the wrong way.

29. Iceland doesn't want to have a threesome …

30. … neither does Finland …

31. … Sweden …

32. … or Sealand.

33. He is not allowed to tell Sealand what a threesome is.

34. Denmark is not allowed to have children with Prussia …

35. … or America.

36. Because they would be egomaniacs.

37. Norway is not going to get a tattoo of the Danish flag anywhere on his body.

38. Ever.

39. Getting him drunk won't work.

40. Denmark is not allowed to steal any of Norway's hair clips.

41. They are hair clips, not barrettes.

42. Public drunkenness is not allowed …

43. … especially when he is near France.

44. If Denmark breaks any of these rules, Sweden will beat the living shit out of him, videotape it, and post it on YouTube.


	24. China

And now we have China, done for NekOtaku.

Be warned, my current OTP is RoChu. So there will be some *cough*a lot*cough of that here.

Russia: Russian Boyfriend Pipe Attack? What is that?

Me: You beat somebody up with a pipe.

Russia: Ah, I see. *heads off to find America*

Me: Oh, shit. What did I do?

* * *

><p>1. Hello Kitty dolls are not weapons of mass destruction.<p>

2. If France tells him to "Prove that he's male", he should not start stripping, as that would cause France to molest him …

3. … which would mean that Russia would kill France. And that would be sort of not good.

4. Yes, he is a world power. Yes, he has a great deal of influence over the other nations. However, there never was, and never will be, a Dress Like A Panda Day.

5. There will also never be a Dress Like Hello Kitty Day.

6. If Hungary asks him to be in "a documentary about communist powers", he should decline and start running.

7. … because she seems to think that he and Russia were having sex the whole time …

8. … and that the Cold War was a threesome.

9. He should not touch the books that Japan carries around with him …

10. … they are doujinshis, and if he reads them he would see more of the other nations than he ever wanted to.

11. For that same reason, he will not be allowed to let Japan tell Korea where babies come from.

12. He will not be allowed to let Russia tell Korea either … that would lead to catastrophe.

13. Yes, he is independent. Yes, it is irritating when people think that he is female. However, he cannot kill people for calling him Russia's bitch …

14. … unless it's France.

15. He is not allowed to say that Greece is too old for Japan … unless he wants to be called a hypocrite a few thousand times.

16. He should really explain to Korea the difference between male and female …

17. … so his "breasts" don't get claimed. Again.

18. Russia does have a list of torture methods. He isn't allowed to use them, and should take them away from Russia at the earliest opportunity.

19. China is not allowed to kill America for being an insensitive jerk and borrowing obscene amounts of money from him …

20. … he can beat him up pretty badly, though.

21. China isn't allowed to kill America for making Pokemon jokes …

22. … he can use Russian Boyfriend Pipe Attack, though.

23. China is not allowed to kill people for thinking that he is female …

24. … making sex jokes involving the fact that he and Russia are both Communist nations …

25. … or drawing a decent mouth on Hello Kitty dolls.

26. Woks are not the ultimate weapon … but they are pretty cool.

27. The only answer to "Become one with Mother Russia, da?" is "No, aru". Not "Okay, let me finish this paperwork first, aru".

28. If China breaks any of these rules, Greece will somehow find out about how Chinese people eat cats. … Let's just say that it won't be pretty.


	25. Sweden

Here's Sweden, done for several people who have requested the Nordics. Up next will probably be Finland or Norway.

"The Oresund Song" is basically a song about a Swedish/Danish/Norwegian threesome. In a boat. *hands out brainbleach*

Yeah, his speech is pretty normal, but I wanted to keep it that way for reading clarity.

Russia: America is quite a bitch, da.

Me: WTF do you expect when you show up out of nowhere and start whaling on him with a friggin' pipe?

Russia: I gave him a ten-second head start, though!

Me: ... *headdesks*

* * *

><p>1. Sweden really should explain the "m' wife" comment to Sealand …<p>

2. … and Korea, he's trying to claim Finland's breasts.

3. Sweden is not allowed to get into "furniture wars" with Denmark.

4. If Hungary asks him to be in a "Christmas movie", he really should decline.

5. … because she has a reindeer costume.

6. Finland is his wife, not his bitch.

7. He is not allowed to kill Russia for calling Finland his "bitch" …

8. … he calls everybody that.

9. Sweden is not allowed to kill Denmark for "being too drunk" …

10. … "speaking Danish" …

11. … "breathing" …

12. … "hitting on m' wife" …

13. … "selling awful furniture" …

14. … or "existing".

15. Glaring is not an acceptable replacement for talking.

16. He is not allowed to go into Viking mode at World Meetings.

17. He should probably give Sealand the Talk before Denmark does.

18. "Jus' get a room already" is not the appropriate solution for all of the world's problems.

19. … most, yes, but not all.

20. He is not allowed to kill France for what happened at Christmas.

21. … maiming is okay, though, and Finland will be glad to help him with that.

22. He is not allowed to rub it into Denmark's face that IKEA has stores in every continent but Africa.

23. … Denmark will just say that quality beats quantity, get drunk, and pull out his axe to go pillage IKEAs.

24. "The Oresund Song" is not a reason to kill Denmark/Norway.

25. … it is if Denmark mentions it more than five times in one minute, complete with suggestive gestures.

26. Sweden is not allowed to maim France for hitting on him …

27. … it's just French culture. Or he's drunk.

28. If Sweden breaks any of these rules, Denmark will give Sealand the Talk, and he will have to deal with the repercussions.


	26. Finland

Here is Finland, done for all of the people who requested the Nordics.

This is the last official chapter, guys. I say "official" because I might get some ideas and write up a multi-nation chapter, or I might find some good clips/facts/links for Iceland/Netherlands/Turkey/Norway/Seychelles and write from there, but other than that, this fic is over.

I'm going to be working on another one similar (sort of) to this, called "And I Still Love Him" or "My Idiot Boyfriend". It's humor, implied sex, bad language, tsundereness, and basically everything that makes the T rating so much fun to write.

But what I really want to say to you wonderful people is "Thank You". Thank you for 92 reviews so far, thank you for over 11,000 hits and 2,500 visits, thank you for 43 favorites and 43 alerts, but most of all, thank you for reading.

Te adoro~

Russia: Voooooddkkaaa!

Me: Well, there went the serious mood.

* * *

><p>1. Finland might be Santa, but he is not a pornography factory.<p>

2. He should explain this to Denmark, Prussia, Germany, and Hungary.

3. … and if Hungary says something like "Oh, it's okay! I have a fresh supply now!" he should check his house for cameras.

4. He is not allowed to participate in a "Christmas documentary" with Hungary. It's for his own safety.

5. If Hungary asks him to be in a documentary about the Nordics, he should decline.

6. … for some reason, she seems to think that they were having orgies.

7. Mocking Denmark about how he left with Sweden is a bad idea …

8. … but it's totally okay if Denmark is drunk.

9. Sweden isn't an axe/knife/chainsaw murderer, so Finland shouldn't freak out whenever he walks into the room.

10. If France ever asks for any object that is mildly sex-related, he isn't allowed to give it to him …

11. … because then things will go from bad to worse.

12. Finland isn't allowed to kill people for making "Wife" jokes …

13. … but he really should explain the "m' wife" comment.

14. Especially to Sealand and Korea.

15. Just because he introduced Hungary to doujinshis and anime does not mean that she should build a shrine to him. He really should tell her that.

16. Finland is not allowed to kill people (cough*Denmark*cough) for asking him if he was the one wearing the dress.

17. … maiming is okay, though. After all, this is Denmark.

18. He isn't allowed to give porn to France …

19. … Prussia …

20. … America …

21. … Denmark …

22. … Hungary …

23. … Japan …

24. … or any other yaoi/yuri/het fanboy/fangirl.

25. If Finland breaks any of these rules, France will release the photos that he took of him at Christmas.


End file.
